Friday, February 26, 2010

Finally, She Gets It

This morning I got up early to make some bacon for Michael before he left for work but since I still wasn’t feeling great and it was still very early when he left, I crawled back into bed and passed out for awhile. I woke up to the sound of someone digging through the drawers in the console table. Michael Jr.’s been searching high and low for an old Cabela’s Big Game Hunter game for his Gameboy and I’m sort of tired of hearing about it. I have no idea where it is if it’s not in his room. I’ve cleaned out those drawers and I know for a fact it’s not in there. I yelled, “You better not be making a mess!” to which he responded, “Nothing!”. Huh? At the end of the day he still hasn’t found it and is convinced it must be in the top drawer of the sideboard. Probably because it’s suddenly stuck shut and no one’s been able to open it. It’s a last resort to him though I can pretty much guarantee he’s never put it in there.

After I got the kids off to school I ran over to Fred Meyer to hit the 70% off clearance sale. I look forward to these sales all year. I’m not a huge shopper but this I love. I was so wrapped up in trying things on and talking to Deena that I made it to pick up Sam with only a minute to spare. When we came home Sam told Sierra and I that when he grows up he’s going to end racism.

Me: “Did your teacher read you a book about it?”

Sam: “No. The librarian did.”

Me: “Ah. So how’re you going to do that?”

Sam: “Tell people to stop saying ‘racism’.”

Sounds like a plan.

It’s been raining on and off all day. Where did all that sun go? Michael took Sierra to the annual Father-Daughter Dance tonight and I couldn’t even take any outdoor photos. The rain reminded me of Teresa’s blog post yesterday. She posted a picture of a beautiful rainbow and wrote about God’s promise it represented: That He would never again destroy the earth (and every living thing on it) with a flood. She took that further and wrote that she used to see it as a promise that God would never let life become more than she could handle. To, in a sense, drown her.

I really liked that. It’s a beautiful metaphor but she ended on what was for me a sort of sad note. That she isn’t so sure what she believes as far as God goes. I know that isn’t uncommon and I’ve been there too.

I remember a time when I was much younger. I wanted to believe in God. I felt that the physical world alone was proof. I wanted to have faith but there was a fundamental stumbling point for me. I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t understand why God needed me to worship Him. And why would I want to worship an egotistical tyrant? I would think about those whom I respect and love the most on earth and that sounded nothing like them. How could I reconcile this version of God with the God who is perfection and compassion and love and who’s supposed to love me? I couldn’t do it.

Eventually I came to have faith in God anyway. I sought and He was found. I asked and He answered. I still hadn’t reconciled the dichotomy in my mind but just chalked it up to You Don’t Have To Understand Everything. And the truth was, I sure didn’t.

What I’ve learned over time is that God doesn’t ask us to love Him because he’s vain. This is for us. Because He loves us. I read this quotation by Dieter F. Uchtdor not so long ago and it sums this up perfectly:

“God does not need us to love Him. But oh, how we need to love God! For what we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are and who we will become.”

It finally made real sense to me. I finally got it. But to answer your question Teresa, I have no idea where the leprechauns fit it;).


  1. Go Michael!!! On the Father-Daughter dance....and the bacon!!!!

  2. Thanks for so thoughtfully considering my post. I think I posted hastily and know that I left out a lot, without consideration of how it would be taken by others. On rereading the post I think it's up for a bit of clarification. I'll get to it sometime soon on my blog, when I've had time to think through what exactly I want to say.

    In the mean time, rest assured that I think the main components of my belief system remain unchanged. But some inconsistencies in the faith of my childhood needed to change. I grew up with a vindictive, tyranical God. Over the years, I've come to see that the God I grew up with doesn't mesh with the God of forgiveness and grace that I read about in the New Testament.

    I promise I'll get back to this sometime. When I have time to give it the attention it deserves, instead of a hastily written post.

  3. Thank you for these wonderful words! I got a call this morning and found out that I was in charge of writing the Presidency Message for this month and the first thing I thought of was these inspired words! Thanks for the inspiration!!!


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